114 year old sailing vessel Vega - From The Masthead 5

The Procrastinologist

It’s just not fair. Every time I find a respectable way to keep the sailing kitty topped up along comes some bureaucratic rubber stamp pusher demanding taxes, or permits, or that I get out of town by noon. Well I have them this time fair and square. I’m going to become a Procrastinologist. For those of you who are still behind the times a Procrastinologist is one of those highly paid consultants who assists cruising skippers by providing new, and very legitimate sounding, reasons for not sailing.

Laugh all you want but my well-honed skills at creative procrastination are going to pay for a new set of sails and a few other goodies the boat needs. The best part is that all my money will be earned in total silence, unhindered by permits or sticky fingered taxmen, and entirely free from competition. I wont even need a bank account, because all my clients will insist on remaining completely anonymous. That means they pay under the bar in cash on delivery, maties. Here’s how it works.

Have you ever noticed that when you scratch an item off the “To Do “ list two or three new items magically appear in its place? That isn’t magic. It is simply “Shane’s first law of boat maintenance” in action. Shane’s Law clearly explains how, despite all your hard work, the little list you had a few months ago has managed to grow into the daunting book it is today. So, Taking into account this important scientific principle here’s a few free tips. Never cross things off of your “ To Do” list. If you never cross items off of the list new items will not be able to appear.

That leads us to Shane’s second law of boat Maintenance. The maintenance list on any boat can be summed up in two words. Those words are, “ Fix Boat”. The rest are only minor details designed to clutter up your mind and cause endless trips to the bank, boat chandeliers, and hardware store. That law functions directly with another of Shane’s laws, which is, “ If you ignore it, it will go away”. If you doubt this law just remember that the seabed is littered with positive proof of its universal truth.

I know that there are some of you scoffing at my latest idea but I assure you its based on solid scientific fact and a profound understanding of human nature. You see the dream of owning a yacht and sailing away into the sunset has a flaw in it. That flaw stems from the basis upon which sailing yachts are advertised. What are the first things that come to mind when the average non-yacht owner thinks about owning a yacht?

Some would say the advertised fantasy is sun, sea, and sex. Others would say it’s sea, sun, and sex. A few would even say it’s sex, sex, and more sex but they all have it wrong. The only way a boat owner can ever hope to realize the benefits promised by advertising is by never sailing. It is only within the confines of an expensive marina that the true benefits of owning a boat can be realized. Simply stated, offshore others cannot see you on your shinny new toy and thus become green with envy.

How can you hope to see all those bystanders changing colors or drooling with desire if you’re being tossed about by a bunch of rude waves? The fact is all that glittering stainless steel, carefully varnished exotic wood, and polished paint are for nothing if no one else can see them.

Sitting on the back deck under a sun awning with a cold one in hand while watching lesser mortals pausing to admire the perfection of your life style is the absolute pinnacle of owning a yacht. Of coarse the boat should be moored stern to in an expensive marina for maximum effect.

By maximum effect I mean your ability to clearly see the expressions of envy, desire, and admiration on the faces of passers by. Young bikini stuffers picturing themselves sprawled on your fore deck topless, other guys imagining you enjoying the young bikini stuffers sprawled topless on your fore deck, as your huge aluminum erection thrusts skyward saying to all who stand in awe that you have the good life they can only dream about. Now that is real yachting. But it doesn’t work when you’re offshore getting seasick.

That my friend is where the Procrastinologist plays a major role in your life style. At first the services of this all important lifestyle consultant may not be obvious. After all any one can lounge about with a drink in hand. But after a while one begins to need reasons for not sailing. Responses to embarrassing questions from other boat owners such as, “ haven’t seen you out on the water lately”, or “ Going sailing anytime soon” quickly become more pointed ones like, “ Has that boat ever sailed”, or “ Do you own any sails”?

We all know that behind those seemingly innocent questions lies another, more sinister motive. The smiling skipper beside you in the bar is just trying to get you out of the way so he can reap the admiration and envy of passersby. Envy that has rightfully been going to you.

The astute Procrastinologist provides you with sound logical reasons, which are beyond question, backed up by logic that no seafarer can doubt, for not sailing. Armed with these rebuttals you can safely continue to bask in the awe and envy you so rightly deserve. Do they really think you spent all that money just to thrash about offshore where people get seasick, cable TV doesn’t work, and no one else can see you?

Vega, Baltic trader, Gaff rig, square rig, traditional, classic, Vessel, Historical, volunteer, sailing, Shane Granger, Meggi Macoun

The Procrastinologist

It’s just not fair. Every time I find a respectable way to keep the sailing kitty topped up along comes some bureaucratic rubber stamp pusher demanding taxes, or permits, or that I get out of town by noon. Well I have them this time fair and square. I’m going to become a Procrastinologist. For those of you who are still behind the times a Procrastinologist is one of those highly paid consultants who assists cruising skippers by providing new, and very legitimate sounding, reasons for not sailing.

Laugh all you want but my well-honed skills at creative procrastination are going to pay for a new set of sails and a few other goodies the boat needs. The best part is that all my money will be earned in total silence, unhindered by permits or sticky fingered taxmen, and entirely free from competition. I wont even need a bank account, because all my clients will insist on remaining completely anonymous. That means they pay under the bar in cash on delivery, maties. Here’s how it works.

Have you ever noticed that when you scratch an item off the “To Do “ list two or three new items magically appear in its place? That isn’t magic. It is simply “Shane’s first law of boat maintenance” in action. Shane’s Law clearly explains how, despite all your hard work, the little list you had a few months ago has managed to grow into the daunting book it is today. So, Taking into account this important scientific principle here’s a few free tips. Never cross things off of your “ To Do” list. If you never cross items off of the list new items will not be able to appear.

That leads us to Shane’s second law of boat Maintenance. The maintenance list on any boat can be summed up in two words. Those words are, “ Fix Boat”. The rest are only minor details designed to clutter up your mind and cause endless trips to the bank, boat chandeliers, and hardware store. That law functions directly with another of Shane’s laws, which is, “ If you ignore it, it will go away”. If you doubt this law just remember that the seabed is littered with positive proof of its universal truth.

I know that there are some of you scoffing at my latest idea but I assure you its based on solid scientific fact and a profound understanding of human nature. You see the dream of owning a yacht and sailing away into the sunset has a flaw in it. That flaw stems from the basis upon which sailing yachts are advertised. What are the first things that come to mind when the average non-yacht owner thinks about owning a yacht?

Some would say the advertised fantasy is sun, sea, and sex. Others would say it’s sea, sun, and sex. A few would even say it’s sex, sex, and more sex but they all have it wrong. The only way a boat owner can ever hope to realize the benefits promised by advertising is by never sailing. It is only within the confines of an expensive marina that the true benefits of owning a boat can be realized. Simply stated, offshore others cannot see you on your shinny new toy and thus become green with envy.

How can you hope to see all those bystanders changing colors or drooling with desire if you’re being tossed about by a bunch of rude waves? The fact is all that glittering stainless steel, carefully varnished exotic wood, and polished paint are for nothing if no one else can see them.

Sitting on the back deck under a sun awning with a cold one in hand while watching lesser mortals pausing to admire the perfection of your life style is the absolute pinnacle of owning a yacht. Of coarse the boat should be moored stern to in an expensive marina for maximum effect.

By maximum effect I mean your ability to clearly see the expressions of envy, desire, and admiration on the faces of passers by. Young bikini stuffers picturing themselves sprawled on your fore deck topless, other guys imagining you enjoying the young bikini stuffers sprawled topless on your fore deck, as your huge aluminum erection thrusts skyward saying to all who stand in awe that you have the good life they can only dream about. Now that is real yachting. But it doesn’t work when you’re offshore getting seasick.

That my friend is where the Procrastinologist plays a major role in your life style. At first the services of this all important lifestyle consultant may not be obvious. After all any one can lounge about with a drink in hand. But after a while one begins to need reasons for not sailing. Responses to embarrassing questions from other boat owners such as, “ haven’t seen you out on the water lately”, or “ Going sailing anytime soon” quickly become more pointed ones like, “ Has that boat ever sailed”, or “ Do you own any sails”?

We all know that behind those seemingly innocent questions lies another, more sinister motive. The smiling skipper beside you in the bar is just trying to get you out of the way so he can reap the admiration and envy of passersby. Envy that has rightfully been going to you.

The astute Procrastinologist provides you with sound logical reasons, which are beyond question, backed up by logic that no seafarer can doubt, for not sailing. Armed with these rebuttals you can safely continue to bask in the awe and envy you so rightly deserve. Do they really think you spent all that money just to thrash about offshore where people get seasick, cable TV doesn’t work, and no one else can see you?