Any journalist will tell you finding inspiration is the most difficult part of their profession. Just ask me. Two days before this article was due I still didn’t have the slightest idea what to write about. Reasonably fearing the wrath of our beloved editor, and in desperation, I rowed ashore then peddled my bicycle to the local magazine stand in search of stimulus.

Ah, what a stroke of genius. There in front of me were hundreds of magazines covering every topic imaginable. Surely in all that material there would be an idea to build upon. That’s when I came face to face with the reality of the modern magazine business. There are only so many topics that people are interested in. On closer inspection, I found there was one topic that dominated the headlines of almost every magazine.

So bravely embarking where no cruising journalist has dared go before I chose my title. Or should I say my first title. It was to be “16 ways to improve your cruising sex life”. That idea came from an issue of Horse and Hound. Then just when I thought I could start writing I spotted another article and my title instantly changed to “33 ways to better orgasms at sea”. That was a really catchy title, even if I do say so myself. Then I glanced at the cover of “Better Homes and Plantations” where the idea hit me for “52 ways to design your yacht for a better sex life”. Now that should pull the readers in I thought smugly.

 Ah but it wasn’t to be as the cover of Fashion World glared out at me with “ 69 ways to make him a better lover”. I couldn’t resist that one and instantly “ 69 ways to make your skipper even better in the bunk” sprang to mind. Hah! 69 is truly a magic number. It has that something every journalist longs for. But, hang on; here was “Tattle tales” with “101 ways to blow your mind in bed”. That’s when I simply gave up. After all no one, I mean no one, can do the same thing 101 ways. That is unless you get down to the tiny details of using a red feather or a green olive and even my twisted mind doesn't reach that far.

So this article is on the cultural modifications of the cruising life style. That means, I’ve noticed during my strolls along various walk-ons and in a multitude of moorings that most cruisers inevitably turn into pirates. Not your classical pirate with a sword and all that bloody screaming at work, but a progressive version concentrating on truly important matters.

To back up this thesis I have prepared a list of similarities between historical pirates and the modern day cruising pirate. Both make their homes on the water, but spend most of their time ashore. Classically pirates amused them selves by drinking rum. Modern pirates drink various beverages most of which contain the basic ingredient of rum. This of coarse when taken to excess leads to cavorting, dancing, chasing wild women (or men), and in general having a good time ashore. A trait both groups have in common.

Pirates always employ a vocabulary of archaic nautical terms. For example the term “Harr” when used at the start of a sentence by an old time pirate usually meant the equivalent of our modern day “ well” or even “Duh”. When employed at the end of a sentence it was more emphatic, with meanings such as “will you get off that plank or must I stick you?” or “Surely you must remember where you hide the treasure”. When used by a modern pirate “Harr” at the end of a phrase is more likely to mean, “the marina fees went up again” or “ What do you mean I must visit 7 more offices to check out”?

This ancient word is also employed as a stand-alone expression. Its meanings range from “I think I’ve had one rum too many” or “any minute now I’ll use a hammer on this (censored) thing”, to the indication of a private thought such as “why wont this silly pratt just stamp my papers and be done with it”.  More recently it has been used when paying a bar bill, cranking a winch, and when constipation strikes. The latter cases usually being accompanied by a gnashing of teeth and strange often-painful expressions on the speakers face.

That brings us to the standard forms of piratical employment. In general the historical pirate was content with raping, ravaging, pillaging, and plundering, with the occasional yell of “give us your women” at a passing vessel. The modern trend is vastly different.

What with women's liberation and unisexual relations raping and ravaging are no longer the clear-cut actions they once were. And with the liberalization of certain minority groups one isn’t even sure who is doing, or should do, what to whom any more.

This in general has meant a vastly curtailed rate of raping and ravaging among the piratical community. Let’s not forget the wide spread practice of karate and other such unfair tactics among the newly liberated he, she, it, population.  After all who wants to come home from a rowdy night of raping with a broken nose, or find oneself ravaged by a transvestite. No, maties pirating has lost much of its appeal with these changing times.

Pillaging and plundering are done and gone forever. What once was an honest pirates main goal has now become redundant. That's right pillaging and plundering just isn't what it once was. Imagine you go and pirate a fine cruise ship. What would you get for your troubles? I’ll tell you. You would end up with a treasure chest full of plastic cards, most of which would be out of date or overdrawn. The real pillaging and plundering is done ashore these days, in bars, chandler's, and marinas.

So it seems that the good ole days of amusing ones self as a pirate are gone forever. No more chases across a crystal blue sea with treasure in sight and a night of rowdy fun in mind. Piracy just hasn’t got what it takes anymore to attract the young blood it needs to remain a viable sporting activity. Little wonder that all the old pirates, and would be pirates, have all purchased cruising boats and gone off in search of a place to establish their own chandlery, bar, or marina