For years I have been searching for a reputable means of topping up our sailing kitty. Of coarse there is also the question of my status in the sailing community. You see, most cruising sailors I meet these days are bankers, lawyers, or ex- advertising executives, with a smattering of reputable professions mixed in for color. What they all have in common is a title. For example Gynecologists rank rather high in the average yachties opinion. So in my usual self-reliant manner I have invented an exciting new profession.

 From henceforth I shall be known as a leakologist. I considered dripologist, but it didn’t have the necessary pizzazz. Infiltrologist was quickly cast aside. After all, who in these unstable days wants to risk a long forced vacation in Cuba? Aquacologist was also discarded. When I tried it out on my friends too many of them just gave me blank stares and one ask if it could be smoked or eaten. So, from now on, I shall be a dedicated Leakologist.

A consultant on the many and multifarious methods by which water infiltrates our otherwise happy floating homes should be in great demand. As an introduction to leakology, and in hope of attracting future clients, allow me to outline a bit of what we Leakologists have discovered about the enemy.

If we are to defeat, or should I say control, leaks we must first understand what drives water that should be perfectly happy outside to attempt penetration into where it clearly is not wanted. Here we must apply basic psychology. By understanding what is driving waters incessant attempts to invade your tranquil existence you will have a much better chance to control it.

The principal reason for water acting as it does stems from a very unhappy and frustrated childhood. Raindrops are so short lived that they rarely have time to build meaningful relationships with their parents. This means they go through their short lives feeling frustrated at never having had a blue potty, or in the case of a female rain drop a pink potty.

Water is such a transitory element, always going from one form to another, that it never has time to establish friendships, put down roots, or have a satisfying home life. Precisely there resides the cause of all our boating woes. Outside water has as its sole obsession one driving objective. It freverently wishes to become inside water, water with a home, a stable existence, a safe secure place where tiny droplets can grow into mature respectable puddles.

Leaks come in all sizes and shapes. Little leaks, big leaks, drips, trickles, and sometimes floods. Personally I prefer the honest garden-variety leak, like the one that always appears when least expected above the skipper’s bunk or the type that usually resides wherever electronics are found.

That brings us to another important piece of water psychology, the unbreakable relationship between water and electricity. What boater hasn’t noticed waters affinity for electricity? Water simply cannot resist electricity. The early philosophers were quite correct in calling electricity “ the electrical fluid”. But, we boaters are not as interested in the physics of this phenomenon as its basic cause and effects. The effects are clear to all of us. Every year millions of dollars are spent on replacing electronic gadgets that terminally malfunction due to the presence of water.

Now my fellow yachties I am about to release one of the most carefully guarded secrets of the marine electronics industry. It may cost me my life, or a long visit to Cuba, but the secret must be made known for the betterment of all boating kind.

The relationship between water and electricity is sexual, pure and simple. Think about it for a moment. When does water in its purest form, that of rain drops, become the most excited? Certainly not during April showers when it gently falls in small impotent droplets. It is only deep in the heart of violent thunderstorms that it pelts down hard and heavy in an orgy of aquatic release.

It is the electrical fluid that excites this rampant behavior in your usually modest rain droplets. It stimulates them, exciting them, and driving them into orgasmic aquatic frenzies which the poor water droplets can never forget.  That my friends is why water will always seek the company of the electrical fluid. It wants to relive those ecstatic moments of highly charged procreation. One has only to imagine the earth shattering effect of a thundering billion-volt orgasm terminated by abrupt coitus interuptus to understand this deep-rooted frustration.

“That maybe all well and good” I can hear you thinking,” but how do I protect my expensive electronics from this sex crazed liquid?” That is where modern science has the answer. Thanks to the wonders of chemistry we have a ready made, well tested, solution just at hand. The lowly condom! That’s right! All we must do to protect our electronics is require that water always have safe sex.

Since clearly, and after thousands of years trying, we cannot keep water out then condoms are our only hope. By simply encasing all of your electronics in condoms they will be forever safe from the insidious ravishing of the aquatic element.

Before you get too excited about this great revelation I must explain that there is one small complication. We as yachties could never dream of simply popping a Durex on our radar or a Rough Rider over our microphone. That would lack the class and good taste we are so rightly known for.

What I propose is simple. Condom companies must create a completely new line of products expressly for the yachting community. Can you imagine deep-sea blue condoms with little anchors embossed upon them, or for the classic boating enthusiast; old sailing ships. For the modernist we could have brightly colored ones and for the more traditional pale pastels.

These saviors of electrical equipment could even have such useful information as chart symbols or important radio frequencies custom printed for each sailing area. The rich and famous could have their portraits custom engraved upon them along with their boats name. The possibilities are endless.

Having only shared the tip of the knowledge iceberg we Leakologists assimilate before beginning the practice of our profession I would like to leave you with a word of warning. Water is devious. It is patient and it never sleeps. For those reasons, and the high cost of modern electronics, yachties must constantly be on their guard against waters subtle psychological warfare. Never! Never I say, be tempted to unprotect an important piece of your electronic suite for your own transitory passions. One other tip I should like to pass along. It may seem obvious, but many is the poor soul who has suffered blue tinged sleepless nights by forgetting it. Always carry a spare condom.